The Time Aragorn went to Hogwarts
by Rhubarb Sundae
Summary: Ever wondered how LotR's Aragorn would get on at Hogwarts? Me neither, but here it is. Aragorn finally gets his acceptance letter to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, but he struggles to fit in amongst his teenage classmates. With Gandalf distracted by blossoming romance, does Aragorn stand a chance in his end-of-year exams?
1. Chapter 1

First up, this story is a work of comedy so please don't take it too seriously. Any and all feedback is welcome.

Chapter 1: The Inefficient Owl Postal Service and a Chance Encounter of the Romantic Kind

This is the story of when Aragorn got his acceptance letter to Hogwarts. I mean, yeah. He was 80 something when he got it, but it takes a long time for an owl to fly from Scotland to Gondor. Anyway he got this letter and it said "Well done Aragorn, you are a wizard! Come to Hogwarts and don't forget to go to Diagon Alley to get a wand and things." Aragorn was like "Whaaaa?! Isn't Gandalf the wizardy one?" But Gandalf said "You are a wizard too, Oh Kingly One." And then he used his magic to get Aragorn to Diagon Alley. But not diagonally because he's not an idiot.

First things first, Aragorn needs a wand. He goes to Olivander's Magical Stick Shop and Olivander finds him a wand. Oli's like "Curious... It's the same wand as the legendary witch Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. That'll be 400 galleons and 16 and a half knuts." But Aragorn's like "What a rip-off." And he steals Gandalf's staff and runs to Hogwarts on the train.

Gandalf follows on Shadowfax because he wants his staff back. But when Gandalf gets to Hogwarts he can't find Aragorn. But he does find his way into the great hall, where the sorting feast has just finished. The room is empty, but the desert leftovers are still on the tables. He starts happily stuffing his face with delicious éclairs and doughnuts and chocolate frogs when he hears a munching sound coming from behind a large devil's food cake. "Aragorn? Is that you?" He asks, spooning the cake into his mouth. But when he'd eaten enough to see to the other side, he saw that it wasn't Aragorn. It was...

Dumbledore!

They just kind of gaze at each other for a little bit. Chocolate sauce dripping from their mouths. Then Dumbledore breaks the silence with "I don't know who you are, but would you like to come up to my office to watch some Netflix and chill?"

Gandalf and Dumbledore head up to Dumbledore's office and settled down to watch Mean Girls. It as the wizard version of Mean Girls where Lindsey Lohan's character is played by a hippogriff. D-dude and the Gandi-man Netflix'd and chilled, but neither of them made any move on the other until the early hours of the morning.

"I should probably go to bed." Dumbledore muttered, yawning. "Tell Hagrid I said you could bunk with him."

"Thank you, Dumbledore. I'll head down there now." Gandalf replied. "Will I see you again tomorrow?"

Dumbledore rubbed his beard thoughtfully. "I think I have a meeting with Professor Trelawney tomorrow evening that I don't fancy going to. If you're not doing anything , do you want to meet me in Hogsmede? We could um..." He trailed off.

"Make a date out of it?" Gandalf finished his sentence for him. "If you give me directions, I'll be there at 8." So Dumbledore drew out a map for Gandalf and they both went off to bed.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: A Hipster, a Howler and a Horny Hippogriff

Shortly before all the Gandalf x Dumbledore stuff was going on, Aragorn and all the other first years were sorted into their houses. The Sorting Hat sang his little song and put Aragorn into Gryffindor because he's brave or something like that. When the feast was over, all the students went back to their dorms and Aragorn got to see the Gryffindor common room for the first time. His fellow first years were giving him a wide berth. After all, he's a grown up and they're all like, eleven years old. I don't blame them for being a bit weirded out. Aragorn kind of stood there awkwardly, not really knowing what he was supposed to do with himself. After a few minutes of gawking, one girl approached him. She had unkempt brown hair and, unlike many of the other students, her uniform was immaculate. She was wearing large, tortoiseshell glasses which didn't seem to have any lenses.  
"Who are you?" She asked, rather abruptly.  
"Um... I'm Aragorn." Aragorn replied correctly. "What's your name?"  
"My name's Hermione Granger. I'm a second year. How come you're so old?"  
"It turns out owls are not an efficient postal method. Especially when it comes to long distances and inter-dimensional travel." Aragorn answered.  
"Just for the record, I dig your oldness. It's retro." Hermione commented, twirling her moustache.  
"Thank you, I guess." Aragorn turned away, eager to escape this rude hipster, only to be confronted by a mass of orange hair.

In front of him stood a small group of boys of varying ages, all with shocking ginger hair. They were arguing about who would open an ominous looking envelope that was furiously being passed around.  
"I think you aught to open it, George." One of them said, handing the envelope to a kid who appeared to be his twin.  
"No, Ron should." The George insisted, passing the envelope to the youngest redhead.  
"Nah, Percy's the grown-up. It's his responsibility." Ron shoved it violently into the tallest boy's hand.  
"It's not my fault we got a howler. You take it Fred." The boy who first had it took it back. Fred Held the envelope at arms length and broke the wax seal. The letter flew out of his hand as if suddenly filled with a life of it's own. It started to yell profanities in the high-pitched shriek of a very angry woman.  
"Now I don't know who it was" the letter screamed "but I've been hearing awful rumours that you boys have been fucking one of the fourth year girls. Now I know it wasn't Percy because it's clear he's never, ever going to get laid." At this, Percy huffed and stormed off. Aragorn watched his butt wiggle as he flounced away, and silently agreed with the weird-ass noisy letter.  
"Apparently this girl told Draco who told Lucius who told Gerry who told your father that she'd been getting Eiffel Towered behind the Slytherin staircase!" The howler continued. Fred and George glanced at each other guiltily. Ron just looked befuddled.  
"What does Eiffel Towered mean?" He asked the twins. They ignored him.  
"You'd think that these magical government ministers would have more to do than gossip about schoolchildren, but apparently you'd be wrong!" The letter finished and immediately tore itself to pieces, making a mess on the floor. Aragorn looked on in confusion. He'd have to ask Arwen what "Eiffel Towering" was.

Meanwhile Shadowfax was chillin' with Hagrid.  
"You'll be alright in this 'ere paddock with ma boi Buckbeak won't ya, Pretty Pony?" Hagrid cooed, caressing Shadowfax's mane. Shadowfax felt uncomfortable, but didn't say anything because he's a horse. Hagrid gazed at his new horsey friend for a minute before sighing and walking away. Shadowfax was glad he was gone.  
"Just so you know, I ain't anyone's "boi" because I'm a girl." Buckbeak said with her eyes. "Hagrid's notoriously bad at sexing animals." Buckbeak gazed wistfully into the middle distance. "Poor Norberta..."  
"Oh..." Shadowfax replied, also with his eyes.  
"And by the way, I'm in heat." Buckbeak eyed intensely at Shadowfax.  
"Oh, my..." Shadowfax eyed back, intenselier.  
What happened next I cannot write here, but it was intense.

The intensest.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Doggy Snogs and True Love Confessions.

With a special thanks to Maria, Luke, Mike, Maz (mostly Maria) and everyone else who's imagination vomit I collected to add flavour to this monstrosity.

Also, apparently Aragorn is attending second year classes even though he's just started at Hogwarts.

When Hagrid came in from putting out Shadowfax, he found Gandalf pacing around his hut. It wasn't for like, a whole day, but Gandalf was super nervous for his date.

"What do I wear?" He asked Hagrid. "White robes maybe? I don't want to come across too eager. Do I go slutty or conservative?"

Hagrid didn't answer because he was busy staring out the window. He was clearly very, very interested in whatever was happening in the paddock outside. Gandalf continued to worry.

"Should I tie my hair up? Do I bring flowers? I think I really like this guy."

"Such a pretty mane..." Hagrid muttered to the window.

"I know, and such beautiful eyes." Gandoodle sighed. Then he fainted, which would have been super embarrassing if there had been anyone paying attention.

Dumbledore closed his eyes and leant towards Gandalf. The G could feel his lover's warm breath on his face, his soft lips on his lips. The kiss was tentative at first, as if they were both nervous, but it became more passionate. Dumbledore slipped in his tongue and Gandalf raised his hand to grab Dumbledore's floppy, furry ears. He woke with a start to find Fang licking his mouth and looking him dead in the eye. He punched the dog straight in the gob and wiped off his now dog slobbered lips with his voluminous sleeve.

"Damn warg" Gandalf grumbled. He reached over for his staff to smite the animal, only to be reminded that it wasn't there! He'd been so distracted with the whole blossoming romance business that he'd forgotten that Aragorn had taken it and that the reason he was here in the first place was to get it back. Worse still, he hadn't packed any other clothes, so he needed the staff to get glammed up for his hot date. Harrumphantly, he stood up, straightened his cloak and beard, and set off once again on his search for thiefy-pants Aragorn. No distractions this time…

Aragorn had an odd wake-up call too. He opened his eyes to find a bespectacled, scruffy lad berating the rude hipster girl he met yesterday.

"What are you even doing in here? Girls aren't allowed in the boys dorm!" the untidy-looking nerd grilled. "Quit perving on the old dude!"

"You've never minded me being in here before." Hermione complained, pouting. "And I'm not perving, I'm doing a character study for my screenplay."

"A character study? He's asleep!"

Aragorn cleared his throat in an "I'm not asleep now, noisy-ass cretins" kinda way. Hermione blushed and hastily exited the dorm. The boy smiled apologetically.

"Sorry about that. I caught her staring at your weirdly shiny pyjama pants. I'm Harry by the way, Harry Potter. You've probably heard of me." Aragorn looked blank. Harry looked offended.

"Thanks, Harry. That girl seems crazy." Aragorn replied.

"Nah, she's not too bad. She's just going through a weird muggle phase."

"Muggle?"

"A … non-wizard? Hell, how pureblood ARE you?"

"Oh very." Aragorn bragged "I'm pretty much the only person in Middle Earth who can actually be king. None of this human blood in me, mate." Harry just blinked confusedly. "Um… Yeah… You have potions first, right? That's supposed to be with this asshole called Snapenis" he giggled to himself "but he's on his honeymoon or something, so Trelawney will be covering."

"While we're on the subject, I need covering." Aragorn joked. "I'll meet you outside when I'm dressed?"

"Sure." Harry replied. "You better be quick though, the lesson starts in 5 wizard minutes."

Harry left Aragorn to get dressed, and get dressed, Aragorn did.

Aragorn and Harry walked to potions class together, talking about Snape's scandalous affair with the cleaner, Filch and how they'd got married secretly and were now on their honeymoon in Barbados.

"If their wedding was secret, how does everyone know they got married?" Aragorn asked Harry.

"They made the mistake of not checking for huge-ass beetles before the ceremony. It turns out Rita Skeeter saw the whole thing. She writes the magical gossip rag."

After successfully navigating the spoopy staircases and winding hallways, the two students arrived at the potions classroom. Opening the classroom door released an almost visible cloud of incense. Choking, Harry and Arry sat found themselves empty floor cushions and slouched down. All of a suddenly there was a puff of sparkly blue smoke, accompanied by a high pitched wailing coming from a long-haired hippie lady who'd appeared seemingly from nowhere. Her glasses were so thick that her eyes were almost twice the size of her face and she seemed to be wearing a pair of slightly moth-eaten curtains as robes.

"I~ am Professor Trelawneeeeey" The newcomer moaned. "I am your new~ potions masteeeer."

The students all looked at each other in bepuzzlement.

"I have foreseen a new student in this claaaaasssssss." She continued to wail while scanning the room for an unfamiliar face. Suddenly, her caterwauling stopped as her eyes rested on Aragorn.

"I'm Aragorn. I'm a transfer student from Middle Earth." He introduced himself.

"Well, I knew there was to be a new student, but I never foresaw you as so… handsome." She replied, twirling her matted hair between her fingers. She giggled girlishly. "I'll have to see you after class to help you catch up on last year's work."

The class was chaotic. Half the students were made to read tea leaves from the bottom of cauldrons while the other half were making an "oracle" potion whatever that was. It seemed to just make them start rambling about killing sons and the wrath of the gods. Aragorn was glad when it was over, until he remembered that Trelawney had asked to see him after class. So he hung back when all the other pupils left to go to their other classes. He waved at Harry as his new friend escaped, and then turned to see…

Trelawney right next to his face! She fluttered her dreadlocked eyelashes.

"The crystal potions ball has told me that we're meant to be together." Her voice was so forced-sultry that it was almost a groan.

"Um… I thought you were going to help me catch up on the stuff that I've missed." Aragorn said, backing away from Personal Space Invader Trelawney

"Oh, I'll help you catch up… Call me Sybill." She replied. She attempted to slink towards him, but it was really more of a hobble.

"Okay… Sybill. I really think I have a defence against the ork arts class right now so I have to go..." But she'd lurched between him and the door!

"Oh my dear!" She crooned, running her gnarled fingers down his face. "Don't fight it. The tea leaves have told me we're true lovers." She leant in to kiss him. For a second there was lip-on-lip, but Aragorn moved quickly. He grabbed a copy of 'How to put a Stopper in Death' off a wicker desk and smacked her with it. She spun away from him, clutching her face. Tears were welling in her eyes.

"Why does everyone reject me like this? Albus, Severus, Alistair, Captain Morgan and now you."

"You come on far too strong." Aragorn told her. "And besides I'm happily married. You never even once considered if I was actually available."

"If it's true love it shouldn't matter. I thought you were the One!" She sobbed.

"Wow, you really ARE lame. If that's what you live your life for, you must be such a sad person."

Trelawney backed down, magicing up a hankie to wipe her streaming eyes and nose.

"You're right." She sniffled. "The only love I really need is the love of my kitty cats."

Aragorn was sure Sybill needed some kind of counselling or something, but right now he just wanted to get out of this stuffy, incense-y classroom and away from this mad woman. "Tell me about your cats." he suggested, but when Trel-bell eagerly reached for her carpet bag to get pictures or something Aragorn slipped out of the classroom and ran off to find his new friend Harry.


End file.
